Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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