I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You left your phone here
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