I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
