i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
