Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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