I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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