i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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