zippers are such a cool invention
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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