I need to stop coming to work sober
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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