I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
