Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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