Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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