if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
