3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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