My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
