i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
