I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the puke drawer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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