i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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