Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Too much gin, very little bucket
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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