I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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