YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
