wrigley field is MILF paradise
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
