fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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