Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
