The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
