And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
