Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Jerry, you need to find god
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
