if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
