rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
