Do you still have your period?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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