found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
love makes seman taste better
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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