grandma shit on top of the toilet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
