I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
