my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
