I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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