Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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