im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
