he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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