Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
