Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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