ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
