His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
