Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
FUCK WHALES
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