ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
MIDGETS
????
I have fence marks all over my body
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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