I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
