Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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