i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
