We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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