I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
