I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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