I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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