I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
