I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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