If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
