then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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