His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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