look no pants
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
