Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
